Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A Change Has Come...Again! - Chapter 62

Yes, I know.  It has been a very long time since I've written my last entry.  There is really so much to tell.

First and foremost, I am a firm believer, whether it's God's doing or our doing, everything in life happens for a reason.  Secondly, if you say that you're a follower of Christ, then one should listen to what He says and act out of the inspiration of desperation.  Just because an opportunity presents itself does not mean that it's from God!   Thirdly, if you called to be a leader, then you must have a shepherd's heart!  I know that everyone is flawed and the bible says that "...love covers a multitude of sins."  However, constantly making excuses of leadership using spiritual manipulation to control the membership of the church and a leader asking a member to use their name and credit for a bill(s) that's suppose to be for the church and NOT put it under the church's name...well...that kind of "love" is NOT worth me going to hell over!  Finally, there is a major difference between a church and a cult!  If GOD gives us free will, so should a CHURCH!  But I digress...

One of the greatest lessons I've learned from my experience is to keep my personal life separate from the church.  I find that some leaders tends to throw your past or things that God has delivered you from back in your face.  That is not of God!  Also, never....and I mean never have your pastor as your landlord!  You are just asking for trouble!  

Now that I am at an undisclosed location, what I really need from the Lord right now is to be healed, set free and delivered completely!  I want no trace of bitterness, anger and resentment to be left in me from all that I've endured.  I need God to heal my broken heart and stand firm in Him.  I am a victor, not a victim!  This experience has nearly broke me, but nevertheless I stood firm in God!  Now I need to exhale...and let it go!

Until next time...

Friday, April 4, 2014

Living Single & Saved in a Worldly Society - 5 Years Later! - Chapter 61

This was my first blog entry from January 12, 2009:

"Let me start from the beginning. 

I've given my life to Jesus Christ for nearly 13 years. I haven't been in a committed relationship in 12 years and I haven't have sex for over 10 years. Hence, the frantic impatience on waiting on God for my mate instead of obeying my biological clock and picking just any Joe Schmo to have sex with. With all of the temptations from the media and listening to other people talk about their sex lives, I'm a tad bit frustrated!

On one hand, I know that God knows what's best for me and I'm sure that His choice will be better than my choice - Lord knows my choices in the past sucked! On the other hand, it would be nice to come home to someone and ask me "How was your day?" It would be nice to split all of the expenses in the household with someone. Most importantly, it would be nice to have a warm pair of thighs in bed with me and have me screaming at the top of my lungs in pure ecstasy

Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciative to God for what He has done for me and for what he is doing in my life. I'm just at the point of my life where I wonder if I'm ever going to be married. I certainly don't want to live my life the way I used to live - having meaningless sex with guys I would never bring home to Mom...much less carry their seed! I wasn't happy back then. I'm happier now than I was back then. I'm just not satisfied. There's so much more that I want from this life. I'm going to do my part to get it - but God has to take care of the rest. I've waited this long - there's no point of half-stepping now!"

Well, it's been 5 years since I've wrote that entry and nothing much has changed.  I am now in my 40's and I'm getting more and more frustrated.  I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I'm worth.  However, I really would like to be married now.  I really would like to have some emotional support from a man that is meant for me.  I sure could use that right now.  When I was living in NY, the need wasn't as great for me as it is now.  Now that I'm in the South, the need for companionship has become much greater.  Oh Lord, please answer my prayers!

Until next time....

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

My Miracle Birthday - Chapter 60

Well, today is my 41st birthday, and I feel kind of lonely.

This is my first birthday away from my friends and family and my church family here in Georgia - it's just a regular day.  My birthday is special to me.  Every time I get to see another year, is a blessing to me!  I thank God that I get to see 41.  So, no matter what, I still praise God that He has blessed me to see another year - my MIRACLE year!

Until next time...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A Change Has Come! - Chapter 59

It has now been a month since I've moved to Georgia and so far, it has been an amazing experience.

I have been looking for a job, but in all honesty, I don't believe that God has brought me here and not make my dreams come true.  When I was in New York, I wanted a job to survive.  Now, I want to fulfill my career!  Atlanta has several television stations, so I've applied for them all.  Yes, it has been nearly two decades since I've worked in the mainstream media, but I believe God that He will do a miraculous thing for me.

One of the greatest things I've truly learned while being here is the power of forgiveness.  In order for God to bless me, I truly, sincerely and wholeheartedly need to forgive those who've hurt me.  I realize now that I've been holding forgiveness in my heart for a long time - to a point that it was making me physically sick.  So, I can honesty say that I forgive all of those who has hurt me, whether knowingly or unknowingly.  I had even called one person in particular to tell them that I forgive them.  The one person that I need to forgive the most was my brother.  I was so angry with him for the way he treated me ever since I moved back in with him over 3 years ago.  I felt that he was taking joy out of my misery.  I felt that he was constantly belittling and controlling me.  I truly believe that he was doing these things to me as payback for how I treated him when he was young.  Yes, I admit, I was jealous of him when he was born and how my mother loved him more because I was the only child for so long.  As an adult, I now realize that mothers have a completely different relationship with their sons then they do their daughters.  Most mothers raise their daughters, but they love their sons.  That's why, unfortunately, this society has raised a lot of "mama's boys."   Anyway, I do forgive my brother for all that he has done to me.  I haven't spoken to since I came to Georgia, I did text him on his birthday.  I needed this time to clean out my heart concerning him.  I was tired of being angry with him.  So when I do speak to him again, that anger won't rise up in me again.

So far, this journey has been a cleansing one and I'm sure that the cleansing will continue.  It only gets better from here.

Until next time...

Friday, February 21, 2014

The Lord Has a Way of Working Things Out! - Chapter 58

Yes I'll admit, I was freaking out about what would happen to me, but the Lord has a way of working things out!

On January 31st, I was cleaning out my apartment getting rid of everything.  The only thing left in the apartment that day was my mattress, TV, cable and kitchen cabinet.  I was laying on my mattress (which was on the floor), crying out to God, asking Him "What do I do and where do I go from here?"  Then I've heard the Holy Spirit clear as day say "Call your aunt!'  My aunt lives in South Carolina.  So, I was obedient and called her.  I've shared with her everything about the journey God has me on for the last four years leading up to that very moment.  She said that she needed to pray about if I could stay with her or not.  I said okay.  Meanwhile, I called my pastor who now lives in Georgia for prayer.  She told me that the Lord was speaking to her for me to move down to Georgia and assist her in her businesses. Unfortunately, it took my phone call to remind her of what the Lord told her.  She told me to pray and that she would pray as well.

An hour later, my pastor called me back extending an invitation to come down to Georgia and be her assistant.  I accepted it in a heartbeat!  Book a Greyhound ticket to Atlanta online, cleaned out the rest of the apartment, turned in my keys to the super's daughter, walked out of the building, got on the train heading to the Port Authority, got on the bus and did not look back!  The crazy thing about it is that I didn't even tell my family where I was going or what I was doing until I transferred at Richmond, VA.  On February 1st,  I've came down to Atlanta, my pastor picked me up and I've been here ever since.

It's been 21 days and as I write this episode, I realize that everything I've prayed for has started to come to pass!  I prayed that I would leave my Brooklyn apartment for me or no other member of my family to live there again.  And so it is!  Praise God!  I left everything I know, people that I care about, etc and came to a place I've never been before.  I have let the Lord order my footsteps and only He knows where I go from here...and I trust Him to do so!

Until next time...

Monday, January 27, 2014

Best Quote Ever!

I believe this statement says it all.

Until next time...

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

You Don't Know My Story - Chapter 57

Well, it's 2014 and so far, it has gone off with a bang!

Since I haven't been able to pay rent, the landlord was going to evict me.  Because of the good rapport my mother had with his father, he gave me an offer for me to move out at the end of this month and he won't penalize me for the back rent.  Given that I have been asking for God to move me elsewhere and away from here, I consider it a blessing.  Praise God!  Now, where is God going to place after January 31st?  Only He knows.  But I have to trust Him during this process.

The worst part about this is telling my Mom!  It was hard to hear the shock, anger and disappointment in the tone of her voice.  But in all honesty, my mom, my brother or anybody else does not understand this process that God is putting me through.  She wants me to fight for this apartment and for my rights as a tenant.  What she don't understand is this apartment is nothing more than a security blanket for this family, a clutch, a STRONGHOLD!  Yes, for the latter part of the year, I have been murmuring, complaining, crying, venting and moaning about what I've been going through in 2013.  But how can I say that I put my trust and faith in God if I don't try Him?  In the book of Malachi 3:10, it states "... "I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Try it! Let me prove it to you!" (NLV)  

In fact, everything I've gone through since 2009 has been a part of the process.  Everything that I have previously written as well as things that only me and God knows.  Like the time when I had my apartment in 2009 and the Holy Spirit told me to quit my job.  All of those days where I had no money and no food to eat, that I've passed out constantly.  Didn't know how long I've been out or how many days I've been out.  People don't know that!  What people also don't know is that when I moved back in with my brother, all of the humiliation, ridicule and torment he has put me through for the last 3 years!  I hate being talked down to like a child - especially from someone that's younger than me!  The constant smug on his face like he's better than me!  I expected to get that kind of treatment from my haters or from strangers - not from my own blood!  That's truly heartbreaking!   Nobody knows of me crying myself to sleep almost every night for the last 4 years,  the times when I had no job or money, there were days when I was starving, some of my "friends" would give me their scrapes of food they wouldn't eat themselves and pass it on to me like I am a DOG!  Give me clothes they wouldn't wear themselves and when I would wear it to church, they would whisper behind my back telling people "I gave her that.  Don't she look ridiculous?" and laugh at me every single time!  Not realizing that everything that they have given me, God turned it around and made it for my good!  These examples have nearly broke my spirit - but it didn't!

The moral of this story is never judge a person during the pruning process.  Once God brings me to my promise land, I will know that I know that this journey will be all worthwhile.  God has allowed for me to go through all that I have gone through to be a living testimony for those who are CURRENTLY going through these same situations that God CAN and WILL ultimately bring you through!  You don't know my story - that is until now!

Until next time...