Can I be real with you for a moment?
I am lonely! There...I said it! The journey that God has me on is truly a lonely one. Many people don’t understand what I’m going through - nor do they want to! I’m doing my best to be obedient to God’s will for my life, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
I am still single. Hence the reason why my blog is titled “Saved, Single, But Not Satisfied!” There is no mate - no warm pair of thighs to rub on me every single night. You know what? I’m mad at that! I know that God will bless me with a mate in HIS time, but it would sure be nice to have a Godly mate right now! I’m a sexual being. I do have needs! And because of my loneliness and vulnerability, I’ve made a stupid decision that now delays my future husband to come into my life. That one moment wasn’t even worth it! Yes, I’ve repented, ask God for forgiveness and moved on. Yes, I know that delayed does not mean denied. However, for every action, there’s a reaction! I’ve lost someone whom I’ve considered a friend when, in actuality, was never a friend in the first place. Just a distraction! A distraction to deter me away from the things of God - and it worked - for a minute! At any rate, life goes on - and so do I.
I know I’m ranting, but if I can’t be honest with myself, then how can God use me to bless others?
I’m not close to any of my family. Not even my immediate family. I am grateful to God that He kept my mother here on Earth. I also love my brother very much. Family is defiantly an important dynamic in a person’s life. However, I truly believe that nobody in my family (on either side) understands God’s calling that’s upon my life, the decisions that I’ve had to make and the sacrifices I’ve endured just to do God’s will. And for that, I know that I will always be somewhat of an outcast or a “black sheep” if you will. But you know what? I’m okay with that! I’ve faced the reality that when it comes to doing the things of God, you will not be popular with others. You can’t go where others go and you can’t do what others do. And when you compromise yourself in order to fit in and to be accepted, you hinder God’s will. I can’t afford to do that! I cannot conform to what my family says and thinks about me. Although I love ALL my family, I have to do God’s will and if they don’t like it, that’s their problem - not mine!
Friends - *whew* - where do I begin? First of all, my circle of friends is extremely small. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten more mature in the Word of God that the greater your calling, the smaller your circle. Not everybody that was there from the beginning will be there to the end. Not everybody who says that they’re your friends are your friends. I thank God for revelation as to who’s for me and who’s against me. But my heart is so big for people that I’ve placed some folks in the wrong categories. And because of those bad decisions, I have a hard time trusting people. Even those in my inner circle! I don’t want to think that friends in my inner circle will eventually leave me, but I have to prepare for that just in case. Now that God has delivered from people and I’m putting all of my business out there on my blog, I guess I’m not afraid to be rejected by people.
The bottom line is that when I love, I love hard. When I’m hurt, I hurt badly. When people tell me that they love me, I expect them to mean it! I do! Majority of the time, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I know that I’ve hurt some people along the way and for that, I’m truly sorry. Some people has hurt me, too. I had to deal with that.
I’m lonely....Lord help me get through this!
Until next time....
