A Change Has Come! - Chapter 59

It has now been a month since I've moved to Georgia and so far, it has been an amazing experience.

I have been looking for a job, but in all honesty, I don't believe that God has brought me here and not make my dreams come true.  When I was in New York, I wanted a job to survive.  Now, I want to fulfill my career!  Atlanta has several television stations, so I've applied for them all.  Yes, it has been nearly two decades since I've worked in the mainstream media, but I believe God that He will do a miraculous thing for me.

One of the greatest things I've truly learned while being here is the power of forgiveness.  In order for God to bless me, I truly, sincerely and wholeheartedly need to forgive those who've hurt me.  I realize now that I've been holding forgiveness in my heart for a long time - to a point that it was making me physically sick.  So, I can honesty say that I forgive all of those who has hurt me, whether knowingly or unknowingly.  I had even called one person in particular to tell them that I forgive them.  The one person that I need to forgive the most was my brother.  I was so angry with him for the way he treated me ever since I moved back in with him over 3 years ago.  I felt that he was taking joy out of my misery.  I felt that he was constantly belittling and controlling me.  I truly believe that he was doing these things to me as payback for how I treated him when he was young.  Yes, I admit, I was jealous of him when he was born and how my mother loved him more because I was the only child for so long.  As an adult, I now realize that mothers have a completely different relationship with their sons then they do their daughters.  Most mothers raise their daughters, but they love their sons.  That's why, unfortunately, this society has raised a lot of "mama's boys."   Anyway, I do forgive my brother for all that he has done to me.  I haven't spoken to since I came to Georgia, I did text him on his birthday.  I needed this time to clean out my heart concerning him.  I was tired of being angry with him.  So when I do speak to him again, that anger won't rise up in me again.

So far, this journey has been a cleansing one and I'm sure that the cleansing will continue.  It only gets better from here.

Until next time...

The Lord Has a Way of Working Things Out! - Chapter 58

Yes I'll admit, I was freaking out about what would happen to me, but the Lord has a way of working things out!

On January 31st, I was cleaning out my apartment getting rid of everything.  The only thing left in the apartment that day was my mattress, TV, cable and kitchen cabinet.  I was laying on my mattress (which was on the floor), crying out to God, asking Him "What do I do and where do I go from here?"  Then I've heard the Holy Spirit clear as day say "Call your aunt!'  My aunt lives in South Carolina.  So, I was obedient and called her.  I've shared with her everything about the journey God has me on for the last four years leading up to that very moment.  She said that she needed to pray about if I could stay with her or not.  I said okay.  Meanwhile, I called my pastor who now lives in Georgia for prayer.  She told me that the Lord was speaking to her for me to move down to Georgia and assist her in her businesses. Unfortunately, it took my phone call to remind her of what the Lord told her.  She told me to pray and that she would pray as well.

An hour later, my pastor called me back extending an invitation to come down to Georgia and be her assistant.  I accepted it in a heartbeat!  Book a Greyhound ticket to Atlanta online, cleaned out the rest of the apartment, turned in my keys to the super's daughter, walked out of the building, got on the train heading to the Port Authority, got on the bus and did not look back!  The crazy thing about it is that I didn't even tell my family where I was going or what I was doing until I transferred at Richmond, VA.  On February 1st,  I've came down to Atlanta, my pastor picked me up and I've been here ever since.

It's been 21 days and as I write this episode, I realize that everything I've prayed for has started to come to pass!  I prayed that I would leave my Brooklyn apartment for me or no other member of my family to live there again.  And so it is!  Praise God!  I left everything I know, people that I care about, etc and came to a place I've never been before.  I have let the Lord order my footsteps and only He knows where I go from here...and I trust Him to do so!

Until next time...

Best Quote Ever!

I believe this statement says it all.

Until next time...

You Don't Know My Story - Chapter 57

Well, it's 2014 and so far, it has gone off with a bang!

Since I haven't been able to pay rent, the landlord was going to evict me.  Because of the good rapport my mother had with his father, he gave me an offer for me to move out at the end of this month and he won't penalize me for the back rent.  Given that I have been asking for God to move me elsewhere and away from here, I consider it a blessing.  Praise God!  Now, where is God going to place after January 31st?  Only He knows.  But I have to trust Him during this process.

The worst part about this is telling my Mom!  It was hard to hear the shock, anger and disappointment in the tone of her voice.  But in all honesty, my mom, my brother or anybody else does not understand this process that God is putting me through.  She wants me to fight for this apartment and for my rights as a tenant.  What she don't understand is this apartment is nothing more than a security blanket for this family, a clutch, a STRONGHOLD!  Yes, for the latter part of the year, I have been murmuring, complaining, crying, venting and moaning about what I've been going through in 2013.  But how can I say that I put my trust and faith in God if I don't try Him?  In the book of Malachi 3:10, it states "... "I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Try it! Let me prove it to you!" (NLV)  

In fact, everything I've gone through since 2009 has been a part of the process.  Everything that I have previously written as well as things that only me and God knows.  Like the time when I had my apartment in 2009 and the Holy Spirit told me to quit my job.  All of those days where I had no money and no food to eat, that I've passed out constantly.  Didn't know how long I've been out or how many days I've been out.  People don't know that!  What people also don't know is that when I moved back in with my brother, all of the humiliation, ridicule and torment he has put me through for the last 3 years!  I hate being talked down to like a child - especially from someone that's younger than me!  The constant smug on his face like he's better than me!  I expected to get that kind of treatment from my haters or from strangers - not from my own blood!  That's truly heartbreaking!   Nobody knows of me crying myself to sleep almost every night for the last 4 years,  the times when I had no job or money, there were days when I was starving, some of my "friends" would give me their scrapes of food they wouldn't eat themselves and pass it on to me like I am a DOG!  Give me clothes they wouldn't wear themselves and when I would wear it to church, they would whisper behind my back telling people "I gave her that.  Don't she look ridiculous?" and laugh at me every single time!  Not realizing that everything that they have given me, God turned it around and made it for my good!  These examples have nearly broke my spirit - but it didn't!

The moral of this story is never judge a person during the pruning process.  Once God brings me to my promise land, I will know that I know that this journey will be all worthwhile.  God has allowed for me to go through all that I have gone through to be a living testimony for those who are CURRENTLY going through these same situations that God CAN and WILL ultimately bring you through!  You don't know my story - that is until now!

Until next time...

New Radio Show! - Chapter 56

Well, before this year comes to a close (finally), I wanted to let you know that I have another internet radio show - this time on Spreaker.  These shows are just strictly music and each episode are pretty much music that I listen to on my ipod regularly.

Check it out!  http://www.spreaker.com/show/the_tonja_e_withers_show

Until next time....

Lord, I Need You Now More Than Ever! - Chapter 55

Father God,

You said in your Word that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper," but I'm being attached on every side.  You said in your Word that "You will not put on me more than I can bear," but I'm at the point that I no longer want to run this race.  You said in your Word that "...you will do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask or think."  Well, where is it?  Because I don't see it!  You said in Your Word that "...the last shall be first and the first shall be last."  Then why am I last in every point of my life?  When will I be first?  When will I see Your promises?  Where is my expected end?

I'm frustrated, angry, anxious, lonely and depressed.  All I have is Your Word!  Your Word says that "...this walk is not given to the swift, nor to the quick, but for those that will endure until the end.  I can no longer endure.  I don't want to do this anymore.  This walk is so hard.  I don't believe that you truly love me and watch me suffer the way I am.  There are 13 more days until this year is over.  Where's my Genesis 26:12?

I don't want to quit, but I feel that I need to.  Even though I have absolutely nothing to look forward to outside of Your will for my life, being in this walk is so much harder.  I really, really, REALLY need you to give me sign, show me something that is tangible for me to continue with this race.  My mustard seed of faith is breaking down.  I'm calling out to You Lord!  Please show me something tangible!  Forgive me for murmuring and complaining.  Forgive me for not having enough faith in You.  Forgive me for not trusting You.  I'm so tired.  Please forgive me!

What a Year This Has Been - Chapter 54

As I sit here and reflect, 2013 has been the most challenging year of my life.  I left a wicked church in the beginning of the year, some family and folks who I have depended on has abandoned me, some folks I've waked away from for my sanity's sake, got fired from my job, don't know if I will have a roof over my head or not when the year is over, have been off and on in deep depression and I've watched my mother have not one, but two hip replacement surgeries.  The good news - well, I'm still breathing and have a sound mind.  I have one good friend left that I can trust.  So, praise Jesus for that.

Here's the hard core, God's honest truth - I hate my life!  I hate how my life is, I hate that I have absolutely no one to turn to.  I hate when people say to my face that they love me, when deep down they really hate me.  I hate coming home to an empty apartment.  I hate crying myself to sleep every single night.  I hate that some men tries to play with my intelligence when I can see right through them.  I hate living a very lonely life!  I hate the fact in 2009, I surrendered and said yes to God - yes to His will and yes to his way!  Most of all, I hate myself!  

There...I said it!  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm tired of feeling like a vagabond.  I'm tired of my enemies prevailing over me.  I'm tired of constantly being betrayed and a family member. I'm tired of church folks telling me that I should be praising God, when deep down I am so angry with God!  

Well, at least I'm honest!  Happy Holidays and Happy New Year...I guess!

Until next time....