I'll Try Again - Chapter 10

A lot has happened since my last entry.

My mother has been in & out the hospital, I resigned my membership from my church and I withdrew from school until the fall.

Now, I’ve registered for the fall, looking for another church home and pray for full healing for my mom. Most importantly, I pray that all of greatest desires will be fulfilled before I leave this earth.

Until next time...

I'm So Done! - Chapter 9

2009 has been a rough year so far. Between my mom being sick for over 3 months, going to school – only to drop-out, people at my job stressing me out, some members of my family being just down-right psychotic in their behavior, and my own health is in question, it is only by the grace of God that I’m still sane!

I can’t help but wonder if God is punishing me for all the turmoil I’m going through!

I feel completely numb! I’m sitting here at work contemplating if I want to return or not. I have a MRI appointment on Monday. The technician will scan my brain and I’m afraid of the worst. All of weight I’ve lost I’ve gained back – and then some. I gave up hope on ever being married.

The bottom line is this – I’m 36 years old, single, no children (not that I want any), no property, a damn assistant (not a manager, not a director, but an assistant!), with nothing to call my own! A dream that hasn’t been fulfilled and I constantly suffer because of my calling!

This will be my last entry for a while. I give up….I’m done!

Is it just me? - Chapter 8

Is it just me, or that pastors, preachers and other leaders have taken God out of the picture?

Please understand, we are all human and none of us are perfect, but leaders in ministry are set apart and are suppose to set an example on how to handle situations God's way.  From what I have seen, it is the reason why I'm not ready to be a leader!  My motto is if you're gonna speak about it, then be about it!  That's the code I live by!

I am truly disappointed in what I have seen and experience with church leaders and I pray that we ALL have a humble experience with the Lord and I also pray that we FINALLY get it together with Christ & be a better example for the unbelievers to come to Christ!

Until next time....

The Worst Is Over!- Chapter 7

Praise God, as of March 5th, my mother is out of the hospital and is now at a rehab facility gaining her strength back after being in & out of ICU for a month. I thank God for keeping her here on Earth and I am proud of her for finding the strength to keep on going.



Now that she's in rehab, I have to resume to my normal schedule. Unfortunately, I'm behind in my classes and in my job. I pray that I get caught up soon. Since my birthday is coming up, I decided to take some time and spent the day at a spa. I need to relax! I don't have a husband to relax me in other ways - so this will have to do for now! LMAO!



Until next time...

Why Don’t My Mother Want to Live? - Chapter 6

It’s been nearly 20 days since my mom has been in the hospital. It has been a wear & tear on me & my family. It hasn’t been easy traveling back and forth to Staten Island, as well as taking an extended vacation from work to be by my mother’s side. What’s worst is that I’m falling behind on my studies. Being that this is my 1st semester, the transition has been a rocky one – to say the least.

What I am most grateful for is that family & friends had came by to see my mom and have given my brother & I their support and prayers. It’s truly have been a humbling experience for us. Again, it’s such a shame that it has to take a traumatic event for family to come together. The point is that we’re together.

Now if my own mother can see what’s really going on, she would be so surprised and humbled. The fact is that my mother is depressed and she doesn’t have the will to live. I know that’s nothing but the enemy and the Lord Jesus Christ rebuke him! I came to find out recently that Mom hasn’t been happy for quite sometime – with herself & her life! Any other time that Mom has been sick, she would go straight to the doctor without hesitation. This time, she wanted to solve all of her problems the only way she knew how – death!

It is blatantly obvious that it was not her time to depart from earth. If so, God would’ve already taken her. But the fact that she still here should be some sort of comfort to her, but it’s not. She thinks my brother, companion and I are mad at her for letting herself get to this dark & ugly place. We’ve reassured her time & time again that we’re not mad at her, but we love, honor & support her. But she’s been so sad & depressed – hence these relapses. Every time she makes progress, she has these setbacks. I’ve learned all to well that a setback is nothing more than a setup for a comeback!

Now if only my mother would fight to live – not for her children, not for her companion, but for herself! We can continue to pray for her, the doctors can do all they can for her, but when it’s all said & done, it is up to her to pull through!

Until next time…

Talk About a Distraction! - Chapter 5

Early Friday morning, I received a call from my "stepfather" telling me that he called 911 for my mother and sent her to the hospital. Earlier that week, both my brother & I have tried to convince her to go to the hospital, but she refused. She believed that she had flu-like symptoms. What she was diagnosed with was severe pneumonia (fluid in both lungs), blood sugar levels over 600 (and she wasn't diagnosed with Diabetes by her primary doctor), and a blood infection. All of this could have been avoided if my mother went to the hospital sooner.

Then again, because of this situation, issues with people were temporarily mended, folks who couldn't stand to be in the same room together had actually got along. But most importantly, I now realized how much people love my mother. Unfortunately, she felt alone and unwanted. My prayer for her is that when she survives this thing - and I KNOW she will survive, that she would realize that not only is she loved, but respected by many people including her children. She has touched so many lives and had blessed many people with her advice. God uses her in such a way that is unexplainable.

Even though I love my mother with all of my heart & soul, nothing will stop me from pursuing the plans of Christ for my life. I love my family, but I love God so much more.

Until next time...

The One That Got Away - Chapter 4

When I first got saved several years ago, I promised God that when I see my ex-boyfriend from high school, I would apologize for hurting him. I'm not proud of the things I've done in the past, but through those trying times and lessons, I've not only matured - but I now understand why I went through all that I had endured.

B - that's the name I'll call him, was one of the good guys. He was smart, athletic, good-looking, loved his family. He poured his heart and soul into our our relationship, but, unfortunately, I didn't love me enough to love him the way he deserved. I know that is not an excuse, but it explained everything as to why anything good that happened in my life at that time I destroyed. I wasn't happy with myself at all. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've attempted suicide back then. When I was dating B, I fell for the oldest trick in the book - other guys were interested in me at the same time (or so I thought!). I realized after the fact that these guys only intentions were to break us up. I was stupid.

Long story short, I took advantage of his love for me. I constantly tested him for absolutely no reason. Now, nearly 20 years later, I can admit that I would give anything for a man to love me now that way B loved me then!

With all of that said, I wanted to use my blog to say this:

B, if you're reading this, I want to say that I'm truly sorry for the way I've treated you, for the way I've used you and, most importantly, I'm sorry for not loving you the way you deserved to be loved at that time. I also want to thank you for the way you loved me, cared for me, supported me and believed in me. I pray that you have found love & happiness in your life. May God bless you! By the way, happy belated birthday!

Until next time...